mardi, décembre 23, 2008

Happiness is an action

Happiness is a beautiful thing. Not all of life is happiness... you have your mundane and crappy moments, but happy times are well-earned, well-deserved gifts. I used to think that the only place that happiness could come from was inside me. Once that occurred of my own volition, then maybe I could be perfect. Heck, maybe I would even deserve to have love in my life.

And while it was necessary to have my life together, I spent a lot of time misguided about what would make me happy. I kept looking for complete things - things that were finished and perfect. Those perfect things aren't much help though... because they can't be disrupted or disturbed or played with. Kind of like plastic coverings on sofas and runners on carpets. How fun.

What I did not know was that happiness can come in little pieces that you put together... and move them along so that the magic works together in order to make a whole. When this fact discovered me... I freaked a little. It meant my little plastic-coated world would have to be uncovered. It meant it could get dirty or dusty. But it could finally be enjoyed. What had been protected was worth this risk though... and would only improve in value.

A few months ago, Mr. Jones came into my life. And while it seemed novel at the start to be talking to him again after 18 years, something in me was in tremor. Something was breaking and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. What was breaking was what I thought was me, the me that I had become: closed, cynical, unhappy. That protection was being shattered, and I didn't know what to do except run. I was in pain however, I knew only one person could make me feel better, and that was Mr. Jones.

It was a novel concept to me that I didn't have to be perfect in order to find happiness. It happened when two people came together, and created a self of togetherness. We mattered to each other. We began to open up and grow. We are intrigued and energized by each other. And we are slightly uncomfortable, tongue-tied bumbling idiots with each other sometimes. And by virtue of who we are together, we improve and grow as individuals.

I can tell you that I have had many happy times in my life, but I don't know if I have ever felt as consistently happy, content, grounded and real as I do now. Having that mutual respect, support, and shared sense of purpose with another person is truly a gift. And when you have that solid groundwork, you can grow together and challenge each other without worrying about "what it means". It means that their growth and value matters to you. Everything you start to do, you think about whether you're doing it because you think you're entitled to, or whether you're doing it for the other person.

I have been misguided for a long time. Listening to the wrong messages. The wrong people. Listening to failed experiences and trying to prevent failure from happening again. And most of all, I had been too wrapped up in myself and my perceived problems that I almost missed the most amazing man I have ever met. Now it isn't all about me anymore, and I couldn't be happier to know that it's about us. It's about him. It's about the companionship and caring that is my birthright. Merry Christmas to me and Mr. Jones.


Blogger Deekaman said...

Merry Christmas to you both. We're happy for you.

9:13 PM, décembre 23, 2008  

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